May 7,Saturday.

Where you are supposed to be.

I know I am going to regret doing this later but maybe sometimes you just, for at least once in your life do what it feels like you should be doing without thinking and worrying about what others are going to say about it or whether it’s going to work out and just be in sync. Just go ahead and do it. Take it from someone who never tried things, afraid of the judgments and consequences but only regretting not doing that later in life. Sometimes there’s stuff that just gets stuck into our mind and really there’s just one way to let them out. Well here I am. Been trying to be my own lifeguard and save myself before the water goes above my head and me and my soul we both float away and then drown and die; quite literally. Right now I’ll tell you how it feels. The moment when your heart sinks, that’s what it looks like to me. At least from where I am standing. Things don’t really look good or maybe it’s the time. I don’t know.
Back to who I am. Well maybe a no-one to everyone and anyone. I hope I at least mean the world to my cats. I am not sure. I am dumb and I am also a genius (weird right!). But what’s wrong is that I am the dumb version of me when I need to be genius and a genius when I should actually be the dumbest person to walk this planet. Yeah. Now that I am sitting down typing this, it’s all just rushing to get out of my head and onto the screen. It’s like my thoughts and emotions they are all in this battle of whoever wants to gets out first and escape the never-ending labyrinth that I call my mind. So I just have no idea what I am going to be doing with my life. I really don’t. It’s not like I have never planned anything to do with my life like the delusional teenage dream, it’s just whatever I wanted or had in mind, and it all just came crumbling down. Right on my head and heart.
No one or nothing could have ever prepared you for when the thing or person or I guess dream you always held onto so tightly and with everything you had in yourself; it slips away. Leaving you all alone with this black hole inside you that you just can’t seem to figure out how to get rid of. Everything you always wanted goes out of reach and becomes a strange ancient artifact that is forbidden to only you. But nevertheless left you cursed for all the mortal timeline you have. What do you do then? Maybe you know. Maybe you don’t. Either way, it hurts and it stays like that for a while. Sometimes it stays for more than a while. In everyone’s life at some point or other there’s this moment where you feel like you don’t belong anywhere on this earth. It’s a scary feeling. But it’s also like a safe space. No one gets to hurt you or play you. You never have to worry that you’ll let your guard down. Because only you are there to see it and the only person that will never use that against you is your own self. When you are not sure where you stand, the only sensible and logical thing you could is take a leap of faith and just hang in there.
I never really talked to myself or appreciated myself for what I was or whatever I made myself into. I just always compared and compared myself to what I thought would assuage the audience around me. It was more like an unrequited love and I wasn’t getting anything in return for all my efforts and struggles to make everyone approve of me. Now that I think of it I might just be way too deep into wanting what everyone else expected of me rather than what I actually want in my life. That was to make myself content and happy. I realized humans are the hardest to warm up to. No matter what you do, you are just not it for them, you are insufficient and when that realization of rejection hits you straight in your eyes; that’s when you fall into that dark pit that you keep trying to rescue yourself from but you cannot because you never thought you could ever get out of it in the first place. Losing oneself loving someone is the most evil thing you could do to yourself. For someone who could never see your worth. Anything or anyone who decides to leave you for come what may be the reason; let it go. Just let it all go. You cannot make anyone leave or stay. You can’t force anything because it was never even in your power to control or dictate, you know. Let it all flow.
The main goal of human mind is to keep you safe as viewed from an evolutionary perspective. It never lets you into stuff it sees as risky or outgoing and that only leads to self-sabotage as your comfort zone never offers any casualties. But now if you stay loyal to that you aren’t really going to get anywhere. You will just be in a boring cycle of life that has nothing exciting to offer. And when there’s the whole world waiting for you to come and embrace all the beauty and majesty; will you rather prefer lying down on your bed, endlessly staring at your ceiling and moving away everything that would definitely bring you peace and solitude? You really wouldn’t want to do that.
Just think of your mind as an old library where all your memories are stored as books and they are all at different shelves, in different aisles. Each book is where it belongs; some far from your reach and some just right in front of you. You could go take books from older faraway aisles and shelves to where you stood before; to your present. You sit down and read that older book, let it bring back segments of your past and then after you are done, you put that book exactly where that belonged. You can’t just put that book with the newest ones because that would be chaotic for the librarian to manage. The librarian in this case is you. So you need to let things stay where they belong and not dwell on them. Because everything and everyone is where they are supposed to be and you are where you are supposed to be.

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