May 10, Tuesday. “The great book of unnecessary rants” (ironic)

I didn’t really believe I’d be typing this again; another chapter to whatever i am trying to write; well words because logically chapters work periodically and they are organized and whatever THIS is, it’s definitely not organized or logical. No. I just hope whoever is reading this isn’t already regretting doing so. Because the rants just begin. Well wonderful let’s get going then.
The thing is your body is like some machine that runs on emotions all the time. For me, I’d be going over these stupid waves of negativity, insecurities, rejections, despair and remorse. Stupid. I know. Maybe its lack of tranquility and equanimity within myself that I can’t really bring myself to feel all that positivity or fulfillment or whatever you’d call that. It’s this vacuum and destitution of a vision. I keep doing all these things that I feel detached from. I don’t feel like I should be doing them but I do them anyway to fill the blank canvas and because otherwise I’d be stationary and stagnant and useless. Even decaying. But anyways I am still doing something, anything even though it feels quite counterproductive.
Been going at it a while. No hope.
Still hopeless and all that even though I sometimes see a part of a very hopeful ‘me’ inside my head that keeps peeking at my hopelessness. I am doing what I can. I am going above and beyond. I really am. Trust me. Even if it isn’t working, at least planning to make it all better for my own good sounds pretty safe. It does. I’ll tell you something. Once I was like mad stressed, like I thought I am done, over, goodbye, the suicide ideation was stronger than usual; at that CRITICAL time I downloaded this funny little app called ‘worry dolls’ I guess. The idea is that anything that’s worrying you, you just tell it to an animated cute doll that’s all happiness and rainbows. Than you type your worry and give it to that doll to worry about and get it off your mind. The doll then tells you that it has your worry now so you cheer the fuck up. It gets all sad and depressed after you give it your worry. Poor baby. I just felt even worse that I have made some adorable virtual dolls sad. Next I tried to meditate. My best friend; she told me it helps. I was desperate to do ANYTHING that’d work and make me feel somewhat cheerful or just normal at the very least. I went on to play store and downloaded a couple meditation apps and waited for them to download. Now I was at my absolute worst looking for anything comforting at all and totally not up for dumb shit. The apps downloaded, finally! , and I clicked one of them hoping to just click play a session and relax. But really its 2022 and you can’t even relax without SUBSCRIBING. I then just opened YouTube and put up a video. Five minutes in and I was already done with my life choices. The instructor, telling me to be at peace with myself and feel the tingling in my fingers etcetera etcetera. And ALL I could think was that I would rather binge watch Netflix and just chill out. Really. To be upright I would say I’d be terminated from the therapy if this were happening in person. I treat myself like an automaton that requires daily mobilization. Being regimented is sometimes better than nothing.
You know all this was supposed to be simple. People have amazing stress management and control over their minds. I don’t know why I am such a fuck up. I am going through it.
Writing means a big deal to me. Like I know it’s basic and unusual but I do want it be a little more high effort. I am at least trying. My self-esteem is at an all-time low and I want this to work for me. And by what? Rants! Yes. I would’ve rather named it “the great book of unnecessary rants”. Yep. Should’ve done that. All I want is confidence. I know I can do anything I put my mind to. But I am currently lacking this sense of confidence that I need, that I’ve always had in me. I know trying to love myself and then actually getting there won’t solve all of my problems but I just don’t want to give up on myself so easily. And for me easy things aren’t worth it. I have a lot, A LOT of imperfections and even if I forget I have any, someone always reminds me once in a while. Pretty hard blow if you ask me but it actually gets boring and repetitive after a while. I don’t expect compliments or approvals from people. No one needs that right. I want to look at my flaws and embrace them and be grateful for whoever I am and own it.
So I’m at the point in my life where it feels like do or die to get myself out this stupid gouge I have landed myself into. Believe me or not I am not proud of it at all. I have this urge, well urgent need to move on and evolve or just upgrade for whatever it’s worth, exactly like I am always telling myself I would, try and live to my full potential. I’m riddled with anxiety and it fuels my tenacious moratoriums. Through all of this I am hoping there would be someone who can relate to my story and who have managed to get their lives in order and back on track, even at least a little bit, to give me some aspiration that my story would have a happy ending too.

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