May 12, Thursday. Internal escapism

It’s been a while since I’ve had this issue. It felt like about everything that I KNEW I loved and wanted to do would give me serious anxiety. Just the thought of them shortens my breath sometimes. Maybe it’s because sometimes our mind confuses excitement and happiness with anxiety or nervousness and that one can enhance another. Also because it is often interpreted as the same thing. It’s like getting uncomfortable being comfortable.
People often talk about how they have so many dreams and goals in life but they don’t have the motivation to do anything. But what if you have the motivation, you are super-motivated. You have this fire, this rage inside yourself that you need to grab by the collar to take out, but it’s of no use at all. It’s like I am spinning my wheels in the air with no sense of direction and totally no ground to stand upon. After logical reasoning with my own self I have realized it’s just the lack of self-belief. Self-belief is what you constantly tell yourself you are. Your subconscious, of course, will always dictate the self-belief and the inner capacity.
I get that people are sick of reality and as a result of that they turn to day dreaming. But reality is where day dreaming spawned. All the ideas, hopes and dreams they are all galvanized from reality itself. To live in the world of illusion is inevitably unhealthy and it makes it difficult to continue to be inspired by reality around you if you’re constantly hiding from it. Reality is weird. It’s just there demanding to be pertinent at all times whether we like it or not. If I could I would rather not live in reality. If you ask me reality and life are a burden. If reality was so amazing we wouldn’t have to force ourselves to deal with it. I don’t get it. Why is internal escapism so terrible? I really don’t know.
Ok so this all got philosophical real quick even I don’t know how I got there. Just have no fear of being yourself. There is no normal. There is no oddity. There is no way to be. We have been influenced to believe that this is the case that we should be this or that. But you know what people are different. We carry different hurts, pasts, experiences, virtues and perspectives. Everyone goes through the same thing differently. So the strength, the confidence and the attractive quality does not lie in pretending to be something that we are not. Or maybe in falling in intimidation of others for being so called normal. Everything is really about saying how you think and feel. No fear of messing up. No fear of not being understood because any fear you have, even if you hide it well it becomes your burden. This fear becomes an overactive imagination and overthinking and anxiety. As long this anxiety rules your mind, you remain a slave. You become subconsciously paranoid and you begin feeling less than others while losing respect for yourself.
All of this self-belief and confidence begins when you are around people or company who support you and who are happy for you. It all begins from your family. If your family and parents don’t support you nothing else in the world does because if the people responsible for you are the people who bring you down all the time then your self-confidence shatters and you start losing your spark. Because you think you’ll never be enough no matter how hard you try. You burn up all your energy trying to light the fire that is only going to end in turning you into lifeless ashes that people walk over. If your family or parents ever made you feel you weren’t enough or worth anything then they don’t deserve any more efforts or chances because they’ve shown they don’t deserve to be taken seriously. If you are going through any of what I just said then I totally understand you. You are not crazy or selfish. You are being manipulated by the people who are supposed to protect you and support you. People who you’ve tried so hard to please and make happy or proud aren’t worth all of your struggle. Because no matter how hard you’ve tried, how much you’ve killed your own desires to just see a glint of approval in someone else’s eyes for you; they always look down upon you. There’s always this sense of disappointment that comes from them, for you. They are always going to resent you for being independent and capable of doing things on your own and not needing them for anything. I stopped engaging with these people to have the peace of mind I lost over their pathetic judgments of myself. I just started to work out ways to be independent and earn money to fulfill my own dreams and goals. Never thought I would want to do that and nor did my family. Because they think I owe them for raising me and that I should just act by what they ask me to do like a machine who has absolutely no thought process of their own and can definitely not think for itself. But there’s only too much of bullshit you can take. And I absolutely refuse to let myself suffer in a situation that’s going to cost me my mental health. Coming back to believing in yourself, my best advice would be to believe in yourself. I know its human nature to crave validation and approval from your family but sometimes that doesn’t happen. The thing is seeking out to someone to be proud of is only going to hurt you in the long run. You have to take pride in yourself, in your work and your existence. Life is hard. Surviving emotionally alone is as hard as it can get but trust me it all works like building blocks. Every time someone hurt you or broke your heart or trust, they just added another block to your personality that would take you even higher. I want everyone or at least some people to remind themselves how great they are and if no one is proud of them they should be proud of themselves. Even if you don’t feel like it now, trust me you will someday. You are going to look back at all those situations you were in and you’ll be amazed at how you handled that and how you got out of that.
It’s not selfish to put yourself first. In psychology there’s a term called “crab mentality” or “the crab effect”. It is a way to illustrate the selfish, jealous and harmful mindset of some members of a group, who will try to undermine and halt the progress of someone who’s doing better than them. If you ever felt that you are the crab trying to climb out of a bucket but all others crab keep holding you back and pulling you down, then you are not in the wrong cards for trying to help yourself in the best way that you possibly can. In the end it’s only you for yourself. No one’s going to come rescue you and pull you out of misery. It’s only you. It was always you. You arrived in this world alone and you are going to depart alone too. No one will be there or no one will take your place. It will only be you. Stop waiting for people, for family or anyone to be there. Go do it yourself.

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